It recently dawned on me that I have no regular obligations outside of motherhood.

For the first time in my life, I have nothing extra on the calendar: no weekly Bible study, no music team practice, no book club, no monthly homeschooling co-op, no boot camp class at the YMCA, no writing obligations, no teaching dates, nothing.

This has happened gradually as I’ve wrapped-up, stepped-down, or backed-out of one commitment at a time. Now that we have 5 children, I feel like I’ve been in sink-or-swim mode. It’s as if I surprisingly found myself in deep water and had to remove everything that weighs me down, just to float. (Each former obligation is like an adorable – yet heavy – pair of sneakers that had to be pried off my feet.)

No one – except my husband and children – regularly relies on me. At the moment, I’m “at capacity” simply building my home. It is glorious rigorous work that is taking everything I’ve got to give.

And, surprisingly, I like it most of the time. I like the beauty and dignity that bolster a focused motherhood.  Some days, I’m actually giddy about it.

It feels great to breathe a little. 

Other days it feels unfamiliar, barren, and lonely and  I wish I could do so much more!

But, I’m floating.

(I’m floating!)

There’s nothing quite as glorious as floating, even if it comes at a cost.

I know it won’t always be this way, so I thought I’d share this here while it is my reality. I want to be honest in this space, saying “hey, there” to any other woman out there who is struggling to do any more than love her husband and children, struggling so much that she is gasping for air and feeling like she is drowning.

If you need to know that you have permission to focus solely on the few people within your little walls, consider me for one.

If you need to know that removing cumbersome obligations is “okay”, consider me for one.

If you need to hear that floating is possible and rewarding…

it is.